Full of Antioxidants

7:21PM - 6 year old pwns the news

I watched  this story happen today.   www.cnn.com/2009/US/10/15/colorado.boy.balloon/index.html

Essentially, a little boy was said to have climbed into his dad's balloon basket (dad is a weather chaser and had an "experimental balloon" ready to launch in the backyard).  The balloon launched, and for about two hours, the news people were going CRAZY covering it, thinking he was trapped inside as it flew...massive media coverage. CNN and NBC covered this for 3 hours.

Neat balloon too. Looks sorta like a jiffy pop.

  

Hours later, he was found in the attic, hiding so that he wouldn't get in trouble for letting dad's balloon fly away.   LOL 

2:32AM - The soft electric glow of awesomeness

I got an iPhone! It is so cool. I have my own phone number too! It's so great to have my own phone number... I feel like I suddenly gained more of a social life by getting a cell phone. It's great. Nothing has really changed but I have connections and Internet and all of this ... access, suddenly in my hand. I'm excited. It's a bit of freedom. My dad took me to get it Saturday. I have been using it ever since. Even sent a text message!

I'm wired to the world. That's how I ... know everything. I'm superbrain. That's how they made me...
-- Goldfrapp "Utopia"

( Read more... )

6:40AM - Clairification, in other words: Confessions of a Coward

You know, I was told the other day that I write about nothing at all--that I say things without saying them because I'm afraid of who will read it.  That's absolutely true.  I've talked about it before, but referred to it in art--it's called symbolism.  It's one of my favorite art styles.  The artist puts the pieces out there and hopes the observer will put them together in the right way.  It's mysterious and interesting, but also incredibly cowardly.  You fear being "wrong" somehow by doing that.  If it's obscure and you say something someone disagrees with, you have deniability...  and no spine.

I wrote about the Modest Mouse song in my last entry.  And that title has described me so well.  A modest, meek, mild, fleeing, submissive little mouse.  ...but...

Where the fuck is my backbone?

.... My stress?  Truthfully?

I'm scared to death of my dad for some reason.  Last night he came in the room and fussed at me for a while about school.  It was one of many lectures he's given me.  The goal is basically to make me feel inferior and scare me into doing or not doing whatever it is that the lecture is about.  Often a dash of "oh by the way I don't like this about you" is thrown in, but I was spared that last night for the most part.  I've been ducking around his anger for a while.  I didn't think it would happen quite this way, but I've realized I can't stay here.  I knew in the past (and Sephy, you've told me many times before, and several people have as well) that I needed to break out on my own.  It was hard to do this, being so close to my family.  It just made sense to stay put.  I trusted dad's advice, I needed my mom around, I'm very close to my brother...  but what it's done mostly, is hinder me.  I'm now 25 and I've never lived on my own, I have no privacy, and I get treated like I'm 12.  I've been so concerned with pleasing my parents (dad mostly) that I don't even know the definite truth of what I want to do in life.  I left my dreams at 17 when I started college and was told I had to be an engineer and could not study what I wanted.  I'm not saying that my parents are bad parents--that's absolutely untrue; I just feel trapped, crushed, and pushed around.  I'm scared of my own shadow and I'm finally realizing why that is.  I'm finally realizing why I tend to take so much crap in relationships.  I understand why I have self-esteem issues, and why I'm always afraid people will leave me.  The truth is, I've been taught that I'm not good enough.  Not worthless, just not up to par.  Not what is expected.  Not...how I ought to be.

Now, I'm not blaming my parents.  I'm one screwed up person, having been painfully shy and kept to myself most of my life.  I've also listened to the opinions I thought were right and taken them as my own without justifying them myself. Good robot.  Can't think for self.  All self-derived ideas must be inadequate, comparatively.  Good robot. The only things I can really call my own are the things I've learned myself by mistakes or observing what works and what doesn't work.  Relationships have been full of painful lessons...and I regret things I did, or didn't do, but looking at the past, at least know I know better.

The school issue...  is the biggest deal of all.  I'm grateful in that it turned me on to math...which I love... but I didn't want this subject, I wanted to be an artist and a historian, an archaeologist, and a writer.  As for engineering, once I got myself back on good standing when I started the thesis, things were good.  I needed a break though, badly.  I didn't take one because as dad put it, the clock was ticking and I was losing money by not having a 'real job'.  The faster I got done, the better.  That's now laughable....if we're looking at money lost...wow, I'm in really bad shape.  I pay for my school by being a TA.  I get a small stipend which I save.  I'm lucky that I can do that.  I know I'm fortunate.  It doesn't compare to an industry job, however, and had I done that first, and the master's while my work paid for it (also a non-thesis)...I'd be in much better financial shape.  I did what was suggested to me instead of thinking it through and deciding what was RIGHT FOR ME.  I hate that version of me, that stupid whiny little bitch that ducks into a corner and cowers at whatever is thrown at her.  The crybaby just takes it.  No wonder people walk all over me.  Who wouldn't hate that girl?

The other pressing stress, that prompted me to write, was that someone I have been holding dear in my heart for a long while now is being definitely pursued by this other girl...and, well, she has advantages over me.  The whole younger, prettier, sex appeal thing is there.  It's disheartening because in this scenario--every other time it's come about, I've lost miserably and without question, and instantly.  I would say, despite his special wording and grins to play with me about it, I do trust this person, but the jealousy and fear is ingrained in me through experience.  As I said, all my life I've lost at this scenario.  I don't know the concept of 'being chosen' or 'being loved even when temptation is around'.  A lack of physical beauty wasn't important to me before, but now I find myself thinking of ways to improve my appearance and make myself all around, more appealing...who needed to be the beauty when I could draw or paint it as I pleased? 

Things get complicated fast in relationships, but...there's this thing about it.  I've learned: if you want it, you've got to be all in.  You've got to be willing to take the chance to be hurt.  You've got to TRY YOUR DAMNEDEST.  If you don't, it wasn't really worth it to you in the first place.  Getting hurt is life.  Everyone gets hurt at least once.  It teaches you appreciation.  Learn when to go and when to stop.

Whatever happens with all this, with school, with life, with the universe...  I'll be okay or I won't--either way it's going to keep happening.  The cycle never changes.  Somewhere someone is happy, somewhere someone is dying, etc.  In the end, it's better to take the chance and do it for yourself and what you really feel...than to be a people pleaser.  The only one that will really, really, always be there for you is YOU, after all.  Goes right along with this last lyric....

"And that's how the world began.  And that's how the world will end."  -MM, 3rd Planet

And because I feel like I'm looking into the abyss, looking at myself...it reminds me of this etching.  (I really love to relate a piece of art to how I'm feeling when I write here.  I don't do it often enough.)

6:40AM - The Modest Mouse song

I applied to graduate today for this semester.  There's still a ton to do and there are strict deadlines.  If I don't make it, I'll die trying. :) 

About a year and a half ago, a dear friend had me listen to a song, saying that this particular song would express what I was feeling at that time, and really "hit the spot".  To get the real effect, you have to hear the music behind the words as well (although they seem almost nonsensical at first, there is a certain insight when it all comes together), I still come back to this song, time to time and reflect on what I was feeling then, and what I'm feeling now when I feel completely torn and stressed out and stretched to my maximum.  " Everything keeping me together is falling apart."  And everyone feels that way sometimes.  It comes, it passes, it comes around again.  Inevitably, the world is that way as a whole.  At one point you feel good and happy, then there is chaos, and you remember the good, the bad...everything.

The universe is shaped exactly like the earth
if you go straight long enough you'll end up where you were.

It became a soundtrack to me the instant I listened to it, although it isn't my style typically.

Your heart
felt good
it was drippin pitch and made of wood.
And your hands
and knees
felt cold and wet on the grass to me.

Outside naked, shiverin looking blue,
from the cold sunlight thats reflected off the moon.
Baby cum angels fly around you
reminding you we used to be three and not just two.

And thats how
the world
began.
And thats how
the world
will end.                         -(from Modest Mouse, 3rd Planet)

It just seems that things keep crashing down, more and more pressure builds, and this is the way it will always be.  There will never be enough done to satisfy everyone.  In the end, you can't run fast enough to escape it...but you can embrace the good, and the calm, even if it is fleeting...

And you can remember it when it goes away.

4:06PM - Dress shopping

Had to go dress shopping today.  My uncle is getting married on Sunday.  It's a bit of a sudden thing, but it's how they had to do things.  Beyond their control in a few ways...   Kinda made it hard to find a dress though.  Well, I'll say that's a reason, but really I need to lose weight.  Yesterday I had no sugar, no soda, nothing like that.  I made a log-in name on a food diary site too, just to keep track of what I am eating. 

We went to pickup my brother's tux (he's going to be a groomsman).  Everything in that shop was so...formal.  Weddings...so surreal and formal.  Wedding dresses are so beautiful.

As for dress shopping, it was very depressing.  It seemed like all the dresses were too small.  Mom remarking "It's too liiiiittle!" when I tried things on.  If it worked on my body it didn't fit my chest.  And...pretty much nothing fit my chest.  If anything showed cleavage it was out.  I hate my chest.  I hate my body.  There was a green dress that was so pretty and long and a shape that worked on me really well...but it showed cleavage and despite my suggestion that we could just pin it somewhere in the front...it still didn't work.  I got a blue/white/black print cotton dress from Target, the only thing I could find that fit.  It isn't exactly optimally church-formal, but it hides my chest and covers my body, so it works. 

I don't know why dad is in such a bad mood with having to do anything social.  It's obvious that there are some reasons behind it.  He was so pissed off a bit ago when I answered the phone and kind of agreed that relatives could come over, but when he got on the phone, he was all happy and friendly to them.  No one is coming over now, but at least he's happy while he's on the phone.

This whole thing is kinda weird.

2:26PM - Some dark things and my abstract thoughts

Sometimes I think the pressure is more than I can take...and I just can't envision next week, next month, next year.  It feels as if at every moment, there are just people disappointed with me, and doing their best to push me into what they want, either want for me or for themselves. 

This isn't a slander to anyone.  I'm just tired.  I want to disappear.

It's not something to worry about, reading this--but my mind has begun to wander, and so I will go with it.  I think about dying like I think about disappearing.  If we can step away from all the emotional attachment for a moment, and just see it for what it is--absence of life.  I'm not fascinated by death, and I think it's odd that someone would be, but it does seem like an escape.  (I'm not suicidal and there's no chance of that, so really, no worries, just laying out some thoughts.)

It's remarkable that, like negative values in mathematics ( - negative 4, for example), pain can have the effect of taking away pain.  One disease can ease another.  I think they call it homeopathic.  In concentrating on one pain, you might 'forget' the other.  I don't mean this to sound psychotic, it's merely me thinking about the concept, which is interesting.

There are people out there who use this concept to deal with extreme issues.  It's terrible to think of that single edge, brought on with alcohol or other drugs, something sharp, or anything really--where just one step further could instigate this 'absence of life'.  How close must you go to falling over, so that you can 'save yourself' for another day?

It goes against the nature of life to try to harm oneself, since life is bent on surviving.  So, I have to admit that, in harming oneself it either must be disguised as a pleasure in life or the individual must be damaged or in such a bad state as to believe that to do harm to themselves is more helpful than to not.  (Such as refocusing themselves, pain to ease pain.)  And what's more, this is something returned to--it is a method for dealing with pain, so of course, if it does not kill you, you can use it...again and again. 

I had believed that people who were serious about this kept the problems to themselves, or went on with it openly despite what others said, but moreso did not advertise.  If they did not want to change that is, they did not advertise.  To advertise in any form is really to ask for help--that there is some tiny bit that does not want to process in the same manner anymore.  This separates from the scores of highschool kids who will go out and do something negative for attention.  If you hide he problem, you do not burden others or seek attention.  If you hide the problem, you have your own way of dealing with it and do not have to feel the embarrassment or shame that comes with showing others.

I've never been an alcoholic or a drug addict, and I've never gambled, etc--but there are parts I can reason through and understand.  The overall pit that is fallen into, doesn't seem difficult to see at all.



"Mothgirl" by Thomas Geissmann

12:04AM - A number, real, but still a number.

I don't need to glorify,
Ate the apple of the tree and tried to lie,
In the garden ill remember
That's when I started to sing
I said death brings life into uncertain things,
Cut some slack for me
Sun setting autumn breeze
Sound is moving like a chorus
Keep hearing that melody,
Check the radio but theres nothing playing,
Check the radio again but theres nothing playing.        -- from Matisyahu's  "Time of Your Song"


Like an epiphany, but from the other end of the spectrum, really.  You can sense it about me...  It's an aura, I guess. 

There are no complaints, no demons emerging, no blackness leaking out, consuming others.

There are these times where waves of shock trickle through me.  I feel like I can't breathe.  The room is surreal.  It's not exactly betrayal, but it sure feels that way.  I want to know, but wish I didn't know, need to know, but need not to know.  You know that rushing, sickening feeling that you get with the blind-siding news, your heart beating too fast, your stomach churning? 

Somehow, the darkness of my room at night is a comfort.  I can pull the quilt around me and hide in the shadows, safe and quiet.  It keeps my heart from breaking.

Sleepy, softly chilled, dark, blanketing darkness.  A slight breeze, nearly no noise.  Quiet, comforting, relaxing.  Close your eyes and sleep.  Let go of the tension and bitterness.

I've slept a lot today.  I've been fortunate that I could sleep (that I don't have work / school during the time I took).  I look gross, I -feel- gross.  I haven't been feeling well, and it's probably something I ate yesterday.  We'll see, tomorrow.

I'm here, I'm alive.

It's a symbolist's nature to leave the pieces out for the observer to connect and construe meaning.  There is an ultimate meaning, but for fear of making a mistake or judgment, it cannot be given straightly. 

Brian Despain makes sense to me.  He puts into words exactly notions I've thought myself--but clearer, more concise.

11:44AM - God loves hydrogen

Religion, as with anything, is subject to my dad's logic and opinion.  I'm always interested in what he has to say--he never fails to have some great logic, or something interesting to say--one of those rarities that just makes you think.  He can argue as well with an Atheist as he can with a Christian without insulting either, and that's always been something I've admired, since it is just so rare.
As we were talking earlier today, he had this small interesting note about the phrase "streets paved with gold" in regards to the Bible and Heaven.  It's a phrase heard in a description of Heaven.  I should note that this phrase isn't exactly in the Bible, and we had our suspicions that this was the case, until I looked it up.  (“And the street of the city was pure gold…”  (Revelation 21:21, NASB)) 

He said, why would that be so?  Gold, or any material for that matter, has worth based only on what you can do with it.  If you had gold and you were on a desert island, the gold would be worthless.  He stated how odd a choice it would be for anything in Heaven since the value is based on an earthly market and human perception.  He said it seems that in general, if you like something, you work with it more or use more of it.  If you really like chocolate chip cookies, the cookies you want to bake more often be chocolate chip--so, given the amount of gold in the universe, it would make sense by that logic that God liked gold less...but really liked hydrogen since it is vastly abundant.

I want to connect this to another comment he made, about how--and we were discussing a show called The Universe on Discovery--that opinion is stated as fact, when it not proven but really just an estimate or a theory.  (Specifically, the Drake equation estimating the number of planets with life or approximations on the color-scheme for plant-life on planets with different neighboring stars.)  So often this is the case, not only in science, but in every other medium that I can think of.  I see it in the news, politics, and social culture daily really...these all seemingly circulate popular opinion.  This is not without benefit, as we've had some great art in many forms come out of mocking popular culture and no one can deny that, but this had me thinking about the changes that have come about in science facts just in my lifetime.  For example, there is evidence that velociraptor had feathers since the discovery of quill nibs on bones which is far different that what was presented in Jurassic Park.  There's bacteria on Mars.  There are planets ("dwarf planets" but still) past Pluto.  And although, still a touchy subject, Global Warming theories.  Ice Age!  Rising temperature!  Ice levels are staying the same!  I'm not by any means blaming science--it seems more that people run off with a little bit of information.  I'm not condemning this either, since after all, Jurassic Park was pretty good, ne?  But...

Doesn't it bother you, if you stop to think about it, that ideas based on concepts presented and trusted as facts could all be wrong?


Rene Magritte's surrealist work, Le Blanc-Seing, 1965.

Current mood: thoughtful

Current music: Moby, "Porcelain"

7:04PM - The userpic looks like gnomes. Doesn't it?

I just wrote a bit to myself about school, and the problems I'm facing with that.  I'm still giving it some thought.

I'm a bit tired right now.  I'm dreading the lecture that I'm afraid is coming from dad.  Mom kinda warned me...

I'm happy for my brother who graduated college this past week, went through the ceremony and everything.  I know he's glad to be done with his classes.

I wish I had a job that consisted of painting.  All day, every day.  Painting, drawing, art.  I want to paint.

8:24PM - Stress.

I have this tendency coming out, to just close myself up in my room and curl up and think.  To worry, try to make lists and details and sort things out.  I feel so closed off, that no one could really understand...  I'm afraid of -everything- lately.  The parts of me that cause me to fail and disappoint, to analyze and think about them..but I cannot get a quiet moment, it's all flooded with worry.

It feels like no matter where I turn or what I do, something is there to trap me.  It seems I can do no right, everything is a catastrophe waiting to happen.  I know this must not be true in reality, but it feels that way.  It seems I am so bogged down with obligation or impending obligation that I don't seem to be able to consider what I want to do, and never can get a clear answer.  I can't think freely anymore, it's all about pleasing everyone, meeting deadlines...and I'm failing at that.  It does damage when people are unhappy with me.  I may act fine, but I'm not fine...

3:25PM - A note on the personal

I'm unsure of how to proceed.  Here are my worries at the moment...
At every turn where a decision must be made, I am and have been notoriously indecisive.  The instinct then, is to go to some trusted individual(s) and ask what would be done if the situation was their own.  This time, since the entire course of my life could be changed by this, and from experience in the past, I believe...I need to do it alone, without wisdom from others.  That is, I'm going to decide what to do before informing anyone of my decision.  It will be made by me.

Despite this, I wanted to relay my trouble somewhere (since it is more often trouble that compels me to write these days, at least for now).

My assistantship is ending this semester.  I was reassured of another semester, but now, about three months later, I've learned this isn't going to be possible for the school, as I learned today.  The decision isn't set in stone, but it may as well be.  The budget will not permit all GTAs to remain as such, and I am not a phD student currently--therefore, I am not able to be given another semester.  The solution to this is one of two things:  finding a job while I do my defense and studies and the last course for my math degree (which is luckily jam-packed into a 5-week mini-session during the second half of the semester, allowing me the first half to study and take care of the ends of the thesis turn-in and defense, but also making things fairly hard for the second half), or using my savings and doing interviews for work after, since I'm fairly sure this university will not accept new assistantships for fall as tight as their budget is (and just the general sound of things after talking to the secretary today), so further studies there would be out of the question for me unless I was going part-time with a full-time job.  The only trouble with that is staying put.  I don't hate this place, and it's home and all...but I don't want to stay.

The things I truly wanted were a steady job for the day, something that could sustain me enough that I would be able to tuck some money into savings...since I  am just myself, no husband or kids or anything (and this is lucky since things would be so much harder if I did have those), that's not too difficult really, considering my field.  I wanted a little home to myself, something suitable, somewhat small in a cozy way, and quiet, peaceful.  I'd be able to work on the things I really wanted to pursue in my spare time...  It would sound like I would be settling to my parents, I'm sure.  Not trying or pushing myself. 

The thing I have most learned from continuing school is that the saying, "It is better to try and fail than not try." is not always correct.  If you do poorly or make bad choices, this is definitely to your detriment in a major way--an unrecoverable way in some cases.  I had always been of the mind that survival included failure at times.  Perhaps this is mine.  I will survive some way, I have no doubt of that--but 'how' is the question.  It will take some thinking and some definition on my decisions.

I acknowledge how fortunate I am, in that my situation is not so dire as it might be, however it is still cause for concern.  It definitely is an obstacle for me.

8:04PM - 24.5: All of the brine without the flow.

I feel sometimes like I don't belong anywhere.  I feel so singular and inhibited...as if I have to keep all of my worries, concerns, and unhappiness to myself so that I won't make anyone upset or angry with me.

I'm so sad.  I guess I miss the past...I've been thinking a lot about it lately, about what happened back in the summer.  I'm so sad and lonely...but has anything really changed about those feelings?  It seems the same story really, I keep things to myself because I know it just drives everyone away.  I want to be respected, acknowledged, and one whole person.

I'm done fantasizing about if I could go back in time.  I've moved past all that, I see everything for what it really is now, and that's good.  That's mature.  That's practicality.

I worry endlessly about school.  I don't think it'll ever stop.  One of the two main routes I have been considering would be deep in academia...however...I am so very sick of school.  I just don't know.  I don't have the motivation at the moment.  Everything is forced. 

It reminds me of summer reading books in gradeschool...  for those rare kids who liked to read but didn't have a great attention span, this was what you had to read instead of what you wanted.  Somewhere in there, with science...it might be the same, but then I think that must be true of everything really.

I'm grateful for the good things, for the good people in my life.  As for the somber fluff up there...I don't know what's wrong with me.

6:18PM - Just some thoughts about my life in general...the usual drabble!

I like that line in the song on the radio...

"Put on your pretty lies, you're in the city of wonder,
ain't goin't play nice, watch out you just might go under,
Better think twice, your train of thought will be altered
so if you must falter, be wise."

I've been busy and I'm not sure I'll be the ideal I need to be this semester, but it's my mess, I made it, and I will clean it up and survive. 

It's interesting to me that this is where my story is really my story again--my life, that is.  I keep thinking back "but what will happen to him / her / them?" and have to remind myself that I cannot control it, nor does it have a thing to do with me anymore.

I am in charge of my own life now, and that's a bit freeing.  It's freer than I have felt in a while, with all the guilt pinning me down from before.  I do feel afraid that I can make mistakes, and surely will...  but I'll do the best I can, and we'll see.  I'm getting smarter all the time after all.

Sometimes I still want to scream and curse and cry...and I never actually swear, but still.  Perhaps it's the realization of years of 'going with the flow' and being unhappy, but not resolving or dealing straight with my mistakes before they snowballed, mostly because me standing up and having the possibility of consequences come about is hard for me.  Perhaps it is in seeing how I failed in being perfectly good and honest and nice when given a situation where that was rewarded.  I found a bit of bad in myself that I thought was so good.  It seems I'm capable of both.  Perhaps it's just my nature in general and how hard it is to stand up for myself or take anything for myself or disappoint anyone.  It's hard.  You'd think that makes me a really good person, but it just makes me hard to be around.  Something I try to avoid displaying...

I'm curious what'll happen and where I'll go and what I'll actually do.  I had a goal to have art (painting, that's the kind I do) in a museum.  I still want that.  And I'd love to teach.  I'm hoping I'll get to teach the math class this summer and see what a big class is like.

Still made of magic.  Still going to be great.

8:46PM - Post-semesterly-meeting

Meeting today.  I'm nervous about this semester. 

I wish I could stop time.  Finish everything, take my time, find out what I want to do, develop a plan, be comfortable in my own skin, stop being afraid of what other people think of me...

Life doesn't stop because you're stressed or burnt out!  I'm really scared.  We'll see what happens.

As always, I hope for the best.

12:05AM - 2009

Happy New Year.


I can hear the fireworks outside in the distance somewhere.  It's very dark and otherwise very quiet.  A strange beginning, but to a good year I hope... I hope, I hope.

12:41AM - Here sit I, bursting with peace.

Here sit I, bursting with peace,
a-flurry with what could be.
So awestruck by strength,
that of mine, others,
volcanic in forgiveness' place.

Sighing sweetly, should I errupt,
And--won't you lie fast with me,
before the shrapnel of calm?
Let your blood freeflow
from the sharpness of love?

See now, past my psychotic smile,
whispering how lucky you are all the while?

And into the quiet, I crash into dust
for all of your silence I surely combust.

9:15PM - The fey's flash

Green and alive with envy,
two edges to the one-purposed blade--
knowingly unknowing the words you pose,
a fly, am I, to your awaiting fang.

You pinch and draw me nearer
as the icy wet that soaks into my hair,
dissolving the seconds I have to struggle,
thrashing at your accusing grips, for air!

But around my neck they slither,
livid that I fight to live and last...
Drop by drop that covers my eyes,
the fey's flash, so hazily cast.

Your intentions, these that seek to unravel my seams,
svelt poisons that draw to close the color green.

3:45PM - When I draw the red line

                                                                  
As innocence fades
when I draw the red line,                             

Thoughts are of these
fellowships, mine.

Some years will be up,
others quite down...

To stay strong, live life
no matter the round?

As recently learned
the fares, not fair...

You will still breathe.
Simply draw in the air.

No harm in effort,
in trying to fight--

The winter season cometh...
stay warm, sleep tight.

8:50PM - Friends Only