All the world in one grain of sand...and you own it.

dragondame

9:27AM

It's raining and cold outside. I'm slowly getting sicker by the day but I'm doing all I can to get better fast.

My step dad is in the hospital right now. I found out yesterday afternoon when I called mom. He had been really sick with bronchitis for the past week or so but he wasn't getting better. There is something wrong with his lungs and heart. Mom said he had two blockages in his heart, but instead of doing bypasses, they are going through his armpit or whatever to fix the problem. I cried on my way home yesterday. My family is dying..

I know my step dad has been a horrible person in the past but he was the only father figure I had ever known. As much as I hate him, I also love him because at least he was there for me when my real father wasn't. And mom says he still brags about me to everyone. He has been doing that since as long as I can remember. I use to feel embarassed when he did it in front of me. But he is proud of me, despite all the shit he has given me in the past about my major.

It scares the shit out of me to witness my parents mortality, to see thier bodies slowly start giving up on them. My parents are old enought to be my grandparents and it's not fair sometimes. They are my only family, and I'm not ready to lose either one o
Lespecially mom.

It intrigues me, though, how I simply forgot about the news mom told me until she called me right before bed last night. I guess my brain doesn't want me to think about it. Because if I do, I feel hopeless and insignificant....

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dragondame

2:13PM

So wow, it's been eight months since I was last laid. That is certainly a record for me since losing my virginity five years ago. The most I had gone before now was four months. That was when I was still having casual sex with brandon. Speaking of him, he was flirting with me pretty hard when I saw him during thanksgiving break. For a split second, I thought about propositioning him for sex, but then I realized I was not that desperate for it. I'm really glad of that. Sure, there are times when I whine and really want it, but I'm ok with not having it for the most part. It bothers me sometimes be ause of how long it's been but only because it makes me feel like an unattractive loser. And it is a bit disheartening to know that I am going to have to wait another year or so until someone actually wants me. I give it that time period because that's when I hope to have lost enough weight to be desirable to the opposite sex. It seems no guy wants to bother getting to know me past what I look like. Then again, I met all these guys on okcupid. I haven't been able to meet any new guys aside from the ones I meet from that site. Oh well, the single life isn't so bad, and if I go to grad school, I won't have time for a boyfriend.

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dragondame

12:03AM - From the other morning...

The dream begins with watching a movie.

The girl who plays Bella from New Moon is in it, along with that guy who was in American Pie and in The United States of Leland, Chris Klein (I totally just used IMDb on my iPhone to look that up!!). The guy was moving away for college and the girl was a year or so younger than him. She was apparently so much in love with him that she wanted to go with him. Blah blah blah, a bunch of crap happens. It's towards the end of the movie now, and the girl is going through her childhood Toy Chest. The boy is lying on her bed and asks, "Would you die for me?" The girl crawls to him and gazes down at him and smiles. "Yes." They kiss.

She goes back to across the room when all of a sudden, a doll pops out of her toy chest. It looks a lot like that tall-ass killer doll from Silent Hil: Homecoming that Calvin fought the other night. The only difference is that it's only about six inches high.

The doll inches towards the guy, but the girl frantically jumps in front of him and screams, "No, don't kill him, kill me instead!" And the doll lunges at the girl, killing her.

End of movie.

I am now in a household, very similar to the one in the movie. I am amongst a large family, and in it is a teenage girl who is in love with a boy who is moving away soon. There is private talk of her running away to be with him.

I suppose I am a bit of the observer? I go to the two of them and try to convince them that it's a bad idea. I start to tell them about the movie I saw, but as I'm telling them, I am acting out the movie as the girlfriend. So when it gets to the end, the doll is looking at me with that terribly evil face, and it lunges at me with razor-sharp teeth gnashing.

I don't feel anything. I am now in the same room except that the girl and guy are gone and have been replaced by who are suppose to be my friends. Two of them are familiar; Danny and Ricky. I feel happy to see them. Ricky is apparently in medical school and the rest of the guys who are with us are, too. We decide to leave the house, but it turns out it's an apartment now. We head out and start climbing down the stairs. Danny and I are in the lead, and we notice that the stairs are extremely rickety.

I'm also noticing that the stairwell seems old and very dark. We climb down further, but come to a staircase that goes up instead of down. Now I'm seeing that there is a maze of different staircases, some going up, some going down, some cutting across the span of the huge stairwell. We are all confused as how to get down. We appear to be several fights up. One of the guys sees a set of elevators way across the other side.

I am able to walk towards them, but as I do so, the walls are suddenly caked with dried pigeon shit. TONS of pigeon shit, as though pigeons had been crapping there for years and years and no one bothered to clean it up. What's worst of all is that the shit is crumbling and falling all over everyone like some sort of shit storm...literally lol. I run towards the elevators and see that people only have about five seconds to quickly get on before it takes off, with or without you. One of the guys we were with got caught in the door and was dragged down the elevator shaft.

Danny got on the next elevator safely (elevators showed up every 10 seconds or so), but I did not have time to get on with him. It only took about 30 seconds for him to come around again on the same elevator. There are now some girls who are standing behind me, waiting for the elevator as well. Danny's elevator shows up again and when the doors open, he yells, "COME ON!" and I leap inside. The girls follow suit. We wait for the doors to close and for the elevator to start moving, but nothing happens. The elevator is small and probably only meant to fit three people, but there are five of us in there. None of the girls are budging and so we continue to go no where.

And then I wake up.

dragondame

10:38AM

I think I have had it. I try to be a nice person but people take advantage of me. Even after all the bull shit I have gone through with lending people money, I haven't learned. I lent Ashley $150 so she could get an iPod touch and she was supposed to give me the money right away but complications arose. And now she is using excuses with me. I keep telling her I need that money. If she still doesn't send it to me by Friday, I am going to make her believe I can't afford a present for my mom this year. And if she still doesn't have it by Christmas, I am cutting her off and forbidding her from ever visiting my mom again. She loves my mom more than her own mother, so this will kill her. I don't care if this makes me a grinch. By god, people will learn they can't screw me over and get away with it. Don't fuck with me because I can destroy you...

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